Starting off with a huge content warning that this blog post is going to discuss pregnancy and specifically pregnancy loss so please be aware before diving in. I’m sharing this because it is my story and part of my journey but I never want others to feel compelled to read things that might harm their own well being or mental health.
Many of you have been following along on my and Ryan’s journey to grow our family. This journey began all the way back in 2021 and, we thought, would be ending in 2024. We had begun looking into fostering and, to everybody’s surprise including my own, found out we were pregnant the day of our fostering introduction meeting. Life is crazy that way I guess.
Because of all of the fertility treatments and everything we’ve been through to even get to this point, we found out very early at around 4 weeks. Went in for blood work and everything looked good. At just shy of 6 weeks, we had our first ultrasound and even saw the littlest heartbeat. It was so small but so strong.
Exactly one week later, I noticed I was bleeding and immediately felt in my gut that my biggest fear had become reality.
I hadn’t anticipated getting pregnant. I didn’t think it was possible after years of trying, a surgery, half a dozen IUIs, and no success. So when I got pregnant, it felt too good to be true. And unfortunately, it turned out that was true.
We went to the ER the night of the bleeding. An ultrasound showed that our baby still had a heartbeat but it was faint. It wasn’t the strong powerful heartbeat we’d seen in our first appointment. I knew we were losing our little one only a few weeks after finding out. I tried my best to put on a brave face but I said my goodbyes. If I’m grateful for one thing, it’s that I was able to say my goodbyes.
When we went into our regular office the following day to confirm, we were told every expecting parents’ worst fear. We cried. I don’t think I’ve ever cried as I did the days and weeks following the news. Even writing this hurts. Miscarriage is a cruel and awful experience that nobody should have to go through. But we did. We are going through it still. I’m very lucky to have the most amazing support and people who understand because, unfortunately, they too have experienced this terrible fate.
The emotionally toll was awful. I knew it would be if we ever ended up here. The physical toll was even worse. I am just now starting to feel like myself again three weeks later.
As strange as it sounds, this entire thing has given me hope. As I said, I didn’t think my body was capable of getting pregnant. But it is. And the reason for the miscarriage isn’t anything I did wrong or anything that could’ve been prevented. It’s unfortunately something that just happens. This entire endeavor has given me the hope that I can one day, hopefully, have a healthy pregnancy that I can carry to term. That I will experience the magic that is child birth and growing a tiny human inside of me for more than a few weeks.
So for now, I am taking time to focus on my own physical and mental health. But we plan to dive back into the fertility treatments. We plan to dive back into this. And we do this knowing what it feels like to have your heart ripped in two losing a little piece of you. But the idea that we might one day get to hold that little piece of us is enough to keep us going.
And for anybody wondering if we’re just abandoning the idea of fostering. Absolutely not. Ryan and I have been talking about fostering and/or adopting regardless of whether we have biological kids or not. That’s always been a part of our plan and will continue to be a part of our plan in the future.
For now, thank you to every single one of my amazing clients for your patience and understanding in needing to reschedule engagements or with less than amazing response times. I’m feeling better, both emotionally and physically, and am happy to have something as wonderful as this business to keep my mind strong and remind me that things aren’t bad forever.
